Be Love.

So Im in LA, out for breakfast with my beloved. I get up and I walk into the bathroom .. I just want to add, I have had waves of anxiety and insecurity since being here, more so then I have ever experienced. Its like a whole different vibration of confidence and ways of expression coming through people, no one really keeps anything in, which I have quickly come to really admire and see the beauty in.. Don't get me wrong, it frightened the absoluteeeee crapper out of me also! No one holds back..

Back to the story, As I enter the bathroom there is a lady walking out of one of the toilets, she caught me straight away and was just staring - Im talking straight down the barrel of my eye staring and would not stop.. whilst in front of me, whilst looking in the mirror and still whilst drying her hands with the blankest face. I thought to myself, "okay this lady has got a serious itch for me" just waiting for her to express some sort of issue. You know in those moments when you just know someone has got something to say to you?! She begins to walk over to me and Im thinking "ahhhh man" (I'm really not great with aggressive confrontation).. She says, "miss, I just need to tell you, you look like a model" with the deepest sincerity and then began walking out.. Thats it.. thats what this lady was thinking. As she was walking away I was thrown off to the point I found myself mechanically replying.

This example may not seem a-lot initially for most people but for me - self worth is one of my greatest practices. To hear a compliment like this normally has me crippling with discomfort on the inside, being able to receive compliments has been non existent for most of my life.. I thought someone was looking at me incredibly bitterly, yet she was looking at me with admiration.. what a beautiful way to see another. Having this realisation made me inquire, 'how am I seeing myself to make me think someone else is seeing me in this place of darkness?' Confronting, uncomfortable reflection ~ ehh diving into a pool of unworthiness is not really ever pleasant.. yet the other side, thats where the juice is. This to me just resembled another big fat sign, pointing me straight back at myself. These are everywhere, presenting in many different ways. Everything we do in life is like a sacred mirror reflection, of our thoughts, wants, needs, desires, fears, strengths. Clearly my self worth was really hitting the bottom of the barrel in this moment.

Isn't it interesting how we can take things & turn it into a completely different scenario in our mind, creating our own feeling of deflation. It has nothing to do with the person presenting in front of us, who we may be projecting our thoughts and insecurities onto. Im seeing first hand - If we can catch these thoughts early enough & see we are only thinking and feeling this way because we care. We care about what this person thinks of us - which stems straight back to love. So out of this uncomfortable feeling/situation, by sitting and meditating, dissecting on the simple thought and feeling of discomfort and this appearance of not-enoughness, I was able to see the root of it all, its just love.

Love sometimes doesn't poke its head out as sunshine & smiles. Sometimes it can be a rippling pain in the stomach, it can be fear & insecurity, just being labeled by the intellect as a situation needing our affectionate attention, asking to be seen. I was once encouraged, "when speaking about challenge and challenging situations, can we instead label the appearance of challenge as a situation presenting, that just requires our affectionate attention?" Instantly, how much more manageable does that sound? For me it did anyway, its like it takes this big heavy coat off some sort of thing we have to get through.

This is what the mind does. It takes situations and categorises them. Without us coming to a place of awareness, we are unable to decipher which can cause ourselves so much pain. If at these times when we encounter situations that need our loving attention, we are able to truely see them it has the potency to make profound changes on our ability to move into discomfort. lets create some fun out of discomfort - a new lesson, a new opportunity to grow & to experience, for us to learn and to then help, to share and encourage others. To be able to take with us in our tool kit of been there, done that, for our next situation thats needing our loving affectionate attention.. and then, over time the terms good & bad, sad & happy, difficult & easy become erased & it turns into a state of simply being. Being with each moment as it appears, some of them needing our attention more then others. Making each moment more pleasant.

Life is a constant playground - we are all just here doing the best we can with what we have & then shit arises. Its how we cope with the shit that deciphers how much we are fully living, fully being right here in every moment, feeling everything and not just relishing in the pleasure. The pleasure comes & it goes, just as much as the pain, So can we remain un attached in the pain knowing its just another moment in time, another gift to point us back at ourselves.

Im humbled every-time I am presented with these situations and rattling emotions, like this one with this particular woman. A beautiful reminder ~ I am only human, there is always inquiry to be done.

Life is your playground, go get dirty & be fully immersed - with every new moment, a new moment to recreate, experience, love and nuture.

Have fun,

Love always

El x